A Mom and More

Some good times happen unplanned and unexpectedly, leaving us full and happy as I’ve felt today.

I had a pleasant lunch and a sweet snack earlier with my daughter Aei and her former classmate in creative writing, a charming lady which Aei fondly calls “Ate Ces”. This is the first time I’ve invited any of my daughter’s friends to join us for a lunch out. I wanted to give my daughter (and myself ) a break from the usual “lutong bahay” (homecooked food) which we’ve been eating. I wanted a respite from my routine home chore of cooking-setting the table-eating-cleaning up-washing the dishes. And, I just wanted to relax and enjoy lunch with my daughter, whom I’ve barely really spoken with for the past days given her hectic schedule and sleepless nights as she completed school projects for UP Communication Research (ComRes) and a part-time web design job for my sister’s architectural firm. We had beef “pares” (beef stew) and seafood fiesta (a tomato-based dish with shrimps, mussels, squid and clams) in a budget food strip by the road.

Over lunch, I got to know Ces a bit more aside from sketchy facts Aei earlier told me about her: that she is a full-fledged Doctor of Veterinary Medicine currently taking up masters in Creative Writing. Unlike Aei who is still trudging through ComRes, Ces has already graduated and worked as a Veterinarian. Also, while Aei is just 20, Ate Ces is turning 30 this Friday. Their commonality: both of them enjoy writing and photography and both of them are unattached.

Our lunch turned out to be an exchange of career views and plans, seemed like a career coaching session. I shared with them why I rushed to finish my B. S. Business Economics in 3 and a half years, be able to work immediately and to pursue Medicine. I was employed shortly after graduation since economists during my time (late 1970s) were in high demand to serve as corporate planners and researchers but I never got to pursue my dream of becoming a doctor anymore when I began to enjoy a salaried employee’s life. Aei took ComRes for practical reasons, time and budget constraints; she really wanted to shift to Fine Arts midway her sophomore year but an analysis of her course options made her choose to finish ComRes. Unlike Aei, Ces really liked to be a Vet and has already worked as Vet for two years when she realized she wanted to pursue her passion to be a writer.

Talking with them made me look back at my past career options, successes and flops and my present interest in moving forward to a new “post-retirement” career. I am not a career coach so I decided not to give any advice, to judge nor to influence either of them. I just listened and make them think about what they really want in life. I have heard much of Aei’s ramblings and rantings on what she wants to be and what she needs to do first. Ces told us about what she wants to do in contrast to what her parents and siblings expect her to be doing at her age.

I shared with them real life stories about some extreme career decisions which some family members and friends made: decisions which made some glad they followed their inner voices and decisions which others regretted having made at all, just to please their loved ones.

As we talked, instead of giving them answers to questions I perceived were brewing in their minds, I gave them more questions to ponder on like the following. (Asking them was beneficial for me also since it enabled me to look back and see where I am now and where I should be headed for.)

1. What gives you more satisfaction: being happy doing what interests you or getting a high compensation? (For me, doing what interests me is more satisfying, so long as I can provide for the needs of my family.)

2. What would be more fulfilling: working freelance in your home office for long hours or working fixed hours from 8 to 5, for 5 days a week in a corporate firm? (I have tried both and each option would have its own pros and cons, depending on the demands of your family and other priorities.)

3. What do you prefer: having some peaks and slacks in work/salary or getting a stable flat weekly/monthly income? (I want a reasonable fixed income from work and extra income or bonuses from sidelines, secondments or moonlighting if permissible — unfortunately this was not allowable in the government firm I worked with and so I had to retire.)

4. Do you want to be your own boss or work with a well-known, established company? (Working with a big public corporation gave me financial stability, taught me discipline, geared me for accepting rigidities; gave me sufficient resources to use, paid vacations, regular work hours and bonuses regardless of the company’s profitability. Being self-employed meant being free to be and do as I pleased, being more flexible, having more time with my children and family, facing risks always, getting windfall gains sometimes and absorbing losses when tough times come.

5. Would you want to create your own market niche or will you follow the trend or what is marketable and popular? (I went with what’s tried, tested and expected; but, times have changed that I wish my kids find their own niche, work smart, be happy and rich, also .)

6. How do you plan to balance work and life in your career when you become a mom and have a family? (Thirteen years ago, an early retirement was my answer to my work-family dilemma. Now, I’ve itched to learn and work anew and be useful to my family while growing towards a life path I am just beginning to discover. Life is really full of trade-offs and we can only be happy if we make the choices and take the consequences ourselves.)

After lunch, when Ces had already left us, I felt happier when Aei lightheartedly told me “Mommy, you know what? When Ate Ces asked me for advice, I gave her the same scenarios and asked her the same questions you asked her over lunch … almost just like you did …”

My heart smiled when I heard Aei’s words. I felt proud to be her mom. Oh, I felt relieved knowing that Aei knows where she is headed for even as she oftentimes sheds tears when under stress and seems to be at a loss.

Someone up there must have brought Ces, Aei and I together for a happy and meaningful lunch today.

Advance happy birthday “Ate Ces”! May you find what you really want out of life. As the cliche goes: life is what you make it. Make it a celebration of love and thanks always.