I read that New Year’s resolutions should be inspiring, specific, doable, and time-bounded.  Moreover, these should set the direction of the days ahead, be congruent to our life goals, and spring us to act on areas in our lives which needs improvement.  To achieve our resolutions, these should be broken into baby steps taken a day/week/month at a time; regularly evaluated, and adjusted.  And, with visual reminders conspicuously written in our work stations, personal planners, or fridge doors, we can remain on track.

Curious about what people are pledging to do this 2009, I browsed the web and saw it replete with interesting accounts of New Year’s resolutions: for economic survival, for health and wellness, for writing efficiency, and for a happy family life (even with cheating husbands).

Here’s my own action list for 2009 as a mom and more.  My detailed timetable and strategies would be too personal to share here; I will just post entries about my progress (and even bottlenecks) in the days ahead.

Assert, accept, add
Lighten, launch, love
Imagine, improve, ignore
Clear, connect, coach
Examine, exercise, earn

Posting this would serve as a reminder of — a priority I need to work on, the only asset I can optimize to fulfill my mission in life during hard times, and the VIP I’ve long set aside to please everyone — myself.  This 2009, it’s about time that I recharge, rejuvenate, and repackage myself so that I will have something of value to continue offering, giving, and sharing with others.

P.S. This entry may seem stale with 1 January already weeks back but I’m glad I can post it just in time for the Chinese New Year. Kung Hei Fat Choy! (as if I’m Chinese)

But, I spent the day meaningfully taking first steps to liberate myself from: home clutter, inertia to write, and life traps.

1.    I’ve began to de-clutter and clean-up.  Since it would surely take me months to sort, decide to throw or retain, and organize important stuff I’ve accumulated for the past five decades – for time management, I set aside just half of the day for a start.  I targeted three boxes (blocking the door of our stock room) which contained photocopied references, handouts, loose notes, and term papers from education courses I took the past year.  I sorted through reams of paper, rushing myself to decide which to: toss in the trash, give-away to a friend, bind for future use or temporarily keep out of sight (in a “may use” box).  With a day helper’s assistance in punching holes and binding related papers together, I was content to have six binders of neatly organized materials from my six education courses by lunch time.

2.    I’ve managed to write this blog after some time of slack, anxiety, too much ideas, and pending workloads – causing a writer’s block.  I have drafted several blogs which I never posted at all because of my notion that I should write error-free, grammatically acceptable and information-laden blogs which are just 300- to 500-words long, as most blog writers recommend.  This is a reflection of my self-conscious and perfectionist nature which oftentimes make writing burdensome than enjoyable for me.

3.    I’ve started my own life trap therapy. This matches my goal of sustained self-discovery and self-improvement even at 50. I have been reading the book “Reinventing Your Life: How to Break Free From Negative Life Patterns” by Jeffrey E. Young and Janet S. Klosko since the past weekend.  Using Young’s questionnaire, I realized that I have  life traps (a negatively controlling set of beliefs), a self-destructive pattern or schema which I repeatedly confront and which robs me of the happiness and fulfillment I could have had in my relationships, work and life in general.

These two leading American psychologists described (and suggested solutions) to eleven life traps. I recognized two major life traps operating in me, both dealing with self-expression or the ability to express what one wants and get one’s true needs met.  The first is called the subjugation life trap wherein one sacrifices one’s own needs and desires to please others and to satisfy others’ needs such that one’s needs are never met.   My other life trap is called the unrelenting standards life trap which is typical of people who set rigid standards and have very high expectations of themselves at the expense of happiness, health and even relationships.

So far, I’ve also read that life traps originate in childhood and reverberates through our lives.  And because of this, parents have to be extra careful about the kind of parenting style they use on their children since these determine how children later on think, feel, act and relate to others. My life taps were probably linked to my being a first-born child who experienced being overprotected, one who had to obey and conform to my parents’ rules as a role model for my siblings (including making it to the top in school), one who had to always give-in as the eldest child and who had to please others always, one who had to help and be around when problem situations arise.

I am glad that life traps can be addressed successfully if we desire to.  And, I have just taken my first step towards liberation from my life traps – identifying and recognizing these traps.  With the baby steps I took today, just as our country proclaimed its first independence from colonial bondage on 12 June, 110 years ago – I am certain that I am now on the road to freedom from home clutter, writer’s block and life traps.

I experienced calluses during my working girl days: wearing high-heeled shoes 8-5, partying with a new pair of stilettos, or shopping with narrow-toed, tight, and ill-fitting shoes on.

My daughter Aei developed a callus under her left toe two months ago from wearing boots and walking (or running) to and from her classes in different UP Diliman campus buildings.

It was thick and hard so I asked her to put on plaster to ease the pain; thus, she was able to wear all of her boots again. Of course, she followed typical callus remedies she saw on the net like: wearing thick socks for cushioning, filing the callus with a pumice stone after bath and applying moisturizers to soften the skin.

A month ago, her callus developed a hole in the middle; no pain. She persisted in wearing boots. Towards the end of the sem, she showed her callus again and I advised her to see the doctor. But, she decided to finish her extracurricular tasks first (JAM magazine articles, her blogs, T-shirt design contests, school reunions and sem-enders and more) which she targeted after finals such that squeezing-in a doctor’s schedule became an ordeal for me. I gave her the option to ask me to go with her to the doctor whenever she’d have time. Our doctor’s visit didn’t push through till this early Sunday morning when she came teary-eyed, showing me her inflamed callus which was tender to touch. She requested: I want to go to the doctor now. No general surgeon was on duty as we expected; so the whole Sunday, Aei was filled with anxiety, especially since she feared that she had diabetes: a self-diagnosis she got from her web search, a cry we dismissed since she eats health foods, just had a normal blood chem and exercises a lot.

Aei learns

When the surgeon saw her toe today, he confirmed that Aei had an infected callus. It had thickened and cracked, appeared like a carbuncle and was inflamed. The surgeon prescribed co-amoxiclav antibiotics and diclofenac sodium and asked us to be back for SURGERY after two days. The procedure: a scraping of the callus until all dead skin layers have been removed.

Through this experience, Aei learned:

1. to give priority to health and medical issues at the onset and to consult the doctor when symptoms of any illness arise; and
2. that prevention is still better than cure, i.e. buy and wear more comfortable shoes (those with good padding and ample space in the toe area) and have a pedicure or foot spa to help keep calluses to a minimum aside from wearing more comfortable though less stylish shoes, using pads and cushions as needed and applying lotions to soften the skin and prevent callus build-up.

Mom learns

What a timely coincidence, when we reached home and I opened some unread mails, I got struck as I read the following quote from a newsletter from Guy Finley, author of the best-selling book, The Secret of Letting Go :

“Happiness can’t grow here: The heart watered by tears born of self-pity slowly hardens and turns to stone.”

As a mom, a wife and a lot more, I am bombarded by pressures everyday as I struggle and try to meet my roles, everyone’s needs and expectations. I get heart aches for never living up to my husband’s unique standards on food, clothes, parenting, home, career and money as he complains about everything I do (perhaps, it’s andropause?). I get frustrated when I ask my kids to help me with my blogging and they shrug me off since I learn slowly or they’re just too busy with school stuff or I am asked to learn through online tutorial. I am disappointed when I show my concern for them by asking how their day was, if they already ate, took their medicines or have an umbrella — and they say I am nagging again. I sometimes desperately yearn for a friend who can have time, just listen and be with me as when I had a career and business in my younger years. I feel occasionally anxious about going to a new journey like Alice in Wonderland.

I have accumulated burnout, depression, anger, anxiety into my system – just like the layers of toughened skin on Aei’s callus. I pity myself at times. Perhaps, if I didn’t believe in a God who wants me to be happy but who sends in challenges to mold me to be better someday, I would have already been a cold, hard, callused person after all my stresses.

From Aei’s callus, I learned that it’s time I also scrape off and let go some of my self-defeating emotions (my calluses starting to harden up) and bring out the real me again — for I never want to be a stone.