I woke up routinely at 4 a.m. , checked my phone, and felt jubilant at the many texts from MindGym’s successful LET passers and topnotchers — many of them unable to go back to sleep after seeing the results and relaying the good news to their newfound friends from the LET review.

I thank God for giving me this wonderful new path of being a teacher, a coach, and a mom to MindGym’s April 2010 batch of fun-loving, easy-to-get along, highly motivated, and very tightly-knitted new teachers.

Congratulations new teachers!

April 2010 LET results here:

http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx?articleId=577429

For those who didn’t make it, start preparing now and take the Spetember 2010 LET.

http://www.amomandmore.com/personal/my-random-thoughts-while-awaiting-the-%20%20results-of-the-september-2008-let-licensure-examination-for-teachers/

I read that New Year’s resolutions should be inspiring, specific, doable, and time-bounded.  Moreover, these should set the direction of the days ahead, be congruent to our life goals, and spring us to act on areas in our lives which needs improvement.  To achieve our resolutions, these should be broken into baby steps taken a day/week/month at a time; regularly evaluated, and adjusted.  And, with visual reminders conspicuously written in our work stations, personal planners, or fridge doors, we can remain on track.

Curious about what people are pledging to do this 2009, I browsed the web and saw it replete with interesting accounts of New Year’s resolutions: for economic survival, for health and wellness, for writing efficiency, and for a happy family life (even with cheating husbands).

Here’s my own action list for 2009 as a mom and more.  My detailed timetable and strategies would be too personal to share here; I will just post entries about my progress (and even bottlenecks) in the days ahead.

Assert, accept, add
Lighten, launch, love
Imagine, improve, ignore
Clear, connect, coach
Examine, exercise, earn

Posting this would serve as a reminder of — a priority I need to work on, the only asset I can optimize to fulfill my mission in life during hard times, and the VIP I’ve long set aside to please everyone — myself.  This 2009, it’s about time that I recharge, rejuvenate, and repackage myself so that I will have something of value to continue offering, giving, and sharing with others.

P.S. This entry may seem stale with 1 January already weeks back but I’m glad I can post it just in time for the Chinese New Year. Kung Hei Fat Choy! (as if I’m Chinese)

This is the first time that I have ever written my new year’s resolutions.  I do not recall writing New Year’s resolutions in my past 51 years of life although I have always prayed and hoped to make myself better with each start of a new year.  I have heard countless people making new year’s resolutions as a matter of tradition and then breaking them shortly, never committing nor working at plans to get them done – that I didn’t want to bother myself with the added pressure of having New Year’s resolutions and feeling guilty I failed to make them happen.

I read that New Year’s resolutions should be inspiring, specific, doable, and time-bounded.  Moreover, these should set the direction of the days ahead, be congruent to our life goals, and spring us to act on areas in our lives which needs improvement.  To achieve our resolutions, these should be broken into baby steps taken a day/week/month at a time; regularly evaluated, and adjusted.  And, with visual reminders conspicuously written in our work stations, personal planners, or fridge doors, we can remain on track.

Curious about what people are pledging to do this 2009, I browsed the web and saw it replete with interesting accounts of New Year’s resolutions: for economic survival, for health and wellness, for writing efficiency, and for a happy family life (even with cheating husbands).

Here’s my own action list for 2009 as a mom and more.  My detailed timetable and strategies would be too personal to share here; I will just post entries about my progress (and even bottlenecks) in the days ahead.

Assert, accept, add
Lighten, launch, love
Imagine, improve, ignore
Clear, connect, coach
Examine, exercise, earn

Posting this would serve as a reminder of — a priority I need to work on, the only asset I can optimize to fulfill my mission in life during hard times, and the VIP I’ve long set aside to please everyone – myself.  This 2009, it’s about time that I recharge, rejuvenate, and repackage myself so that I will have something of value to continue offering, giving, and sharing with others.

P.S. This entry may seem stale with 1 January already weeks back but I’m glad I can post it just in time for the Chinese New Year. Kung Hei Fat Choy! ]]> http://www.amomandmore.com/uncategorized/2009-new-years-resolutions/feed/ 0 http://www.amomandmore.com/uncategorized/hail-up-100-oblation/ http://www.amomandmore.com/uncategorized/hail-up-100-oblation/#comments Wed, 10 Dec 2008 16:42:15 +0000 A Mom and More http://amomandmore.com/?p=76 My daughter Aei just reminded me about a different U.P. Oblation affair which we must see at the crack of dawn on 13 December 2008.   She says it would be great to watch and see this once-in-a-lifetime photoshoot of 100 real life oblations minus the masks and the running. Would this weekend’s experience change my perception and frustration about oblation runs which I blogged about at around this same time last year?

“Just like thousands of UP Alumni, I still value the Oblation as the main symbol of what the University of the Philippines stands for, fights for and delivers to the nation; the chosen rallying point for protests and social action; the enduring model of academic freedom, an inspiration for service and nationalism; my lifetime link to UP.

However, the 2007 Oblation Run I witnessed was just a show of bold and daring, nude men with flowers, balloons and streamers – not far from commercial TV identification plugs or intermissions to a long play. I did not see their bravery in standing up for their causes; they were speed walking, almost running, ashamed of their nakedness.”

Here’s a repost from Aei’s blog on the details of this event.

A hundred male University of the Philippines alumni, students, faculty, and staff will pay tribute to the UP icon, the Oblation, via a unique photo shoot on December 13, 2008 at the crack of dawn. The “100 Oblations” event will be one of the closing activities of the UP Centennial celebrations.

Called “Hail! U.P. Oblation”, the historical and visual gathering is estimated to take place at 6 a.m. at the UP Diliman Amphitheater behind Quezon Hall where the original Oblation monument stands. The event will be covered by foreign and local media organizations and professional photographers. The best photographs from Hail UP Oblation are being planned to be featured in a future UP Centennial coffee table book.

All are invited to witness this once-in-a-lifetime human ensemble and photo expedition as one of the final events of UP’s one hundred years of service to the country. Unlike the men of the Oblation Run, the 100 Oblation models will be wearing specially designed trunks with stylized fig leaves.

After the photo shoot event, “UP Para sa Bayan”, a public service fair offering free medical, dental, legal, veterinary, health promotions. education workshops, as well as traditional and non-traditional amenities, will take place at 7 a.m. The entire University Avenue and the UP Academic Oval will be filled with 100 tents offering various services to the public for a day.

Both Hail UP Oblation and UP Para sa Bayan are organized by the UP Alumni Association special committees.

With 100 unmasked oblation models bravely posing for the world to see in print, this U. P. Centennial oblation affair would truly be a weekender to look forward to.  I hope that, this time, the chosen models can appropriately (artistically) depict the message of the oblation as it applies to the current times, that photographers find the best angles to preserve this centennial bash and that viewers may see beyond the nudity the very reason why the U. P. Oblation remains a unifying monument for a community in search for freedom.

Would you sacrifice waking up early on a weekend to witness this event?  Yes?  See you there.

Related blog posts:

Hail! U. P. Oblation

U.P. Oblation Run 2007 – from the eyes of a mom

I was sweet sixteen (but looking like Miss Tapia in thick round glasses) in 1974 when I first had a taste of UP’s nourishment for the mind, body and soul.  Passing the UPCAT meant:  breathing in fresh air as I gained a bit of independence from my parents;  liberating myself from my strict Catholic education at St. Bridget’s School and the University of Sto. Tomas High School; and embracing a whole new world of learning, of living and even, of loving.

Looking back at my college days gives me vivid memories of taking part in the tail-end days of student activism through associations with members of the Consultative Committee on Student Affairs (or CONCOMSA, a quasi-UP student council then) and the Philippine Collegian (even if I never really wrote any article for the school organ.)  Though I was just a freshman, I was lucky to have found my way in the company of some senior, socially conscious and involved students, to name a few: Diwa Gunigundo, Fermin Adriano, Tina Pargas, Etta Rosales, Lorna Paras and Zosimo Lee.  Small cell group meetings/teach-ins  taught me about the true stories behind Philippine history: American colonialism,  Filipino dissent, and the need for counter-consciousness — starting with myself.  My participation in prayer rallies made me realize the essence of prayer and unity in an era of greed, suppression and violence – giving life to the Christian values I learned in my past schools.

As a member of the UP Student Catholic Action (UPSCA), I rendered community service at Constitution Hills (now the area where the Commission of Audit is sited) and this opened my eyes to the stark poverty of people in the slums.  I still remember helping the residents of Constitution Hills gather PLDT yellow pages, newspapers and used computer paper, recycle these into bags with a little gawgaw (starch) and sell these as supot (bag) for tinapa (dried fish) in the nearby markets to buy a day’s meal.  Passing through a military check post at the entrance of the area was a breeze since I did not look like an activist as other UP community organizers have been– I appeared innocent as a petite, “totay” (young girl) student in hot pants and Happy Feet bakya (wooden clogs).  Though I liked serving the community, my involvement took a sudden halt for security reasons. God must have had other plans for me because He prevented me from going to the community at a time when all community organizers where either picked up, detained, placed under surveillance or house arrest.   A severe tooth ache which made a dental visit urgent shielded me from trouble.

UP kept alive in me — a passion to help, serve and heal others.  After the Constitution Hill incident, I thought I about pursuing my high school ambition of becoming a doctor so I could help others in a different field while ensuring that my siblings get their college education as well.  On my third year, I decided to shift from Business Administration and Accountancy (a 5-year course) to Business Economics (a 4-year course which I was able to finish in 3 1/2 years) so that I could work immediately, earn enough to send my siblings to school and eventually, go to Med School as I dreamt.  I never became a doctor because life got me elsewhere; I became a hardworking, honest and competent public servant in a public utility corporation through my early retirement.

UP did not just feed my mind with ideas and my soul with morals, UP also introduced me to love.  UP charged a UP SEMen (Society of Emancipated Men) and fellow EcoSocer (UP Economics Society) to become a silent partner as I prepared my undergrad thesis and eight years later, my chosen partner for life and father to Aaron and Aleli.

But, this is not the end of my UP story.  When I was about to turn 50, my thoughts about starting on a new journey, continuing to be of service to others and living a life of significance – made me go back to UP.  In 2007, after over 30 years away from UP, I enrolled in a certificate course in professional education and surprised almost everyone I met when I told them that my student number was unmistakably 74-03860 and that I’d like to study again.  Learning and studying with classmates even younger than my own  children renewed my zest for life: hopeful of things to come; eager for lifelong learning; and striped of shoulds, biases, hostilities and fears – ultimately giving birth to a better me, the daughter of a centenarian who would surely last for centuries more in its pursuit of service and excellence.

Today, in lieu of a happy birthday song, here’s to UP on her 100th year, a timeless song
of the love, lasting bond, and loyalty that her sons, daughters and grandchildren will always have for her:

U.P. beloved, thou Alma Mater dear
For thee united, our joyful voices hear
Far tho we wander, o’er island yonder
Loyal thy sons we’ll ever be
Loyal thy sons we’ll ever be.
Echo the watchword, the Red and Green forever.
Give out the password, to the Hall of Brave sons rare.
Sing forth the message, ring out with courage
All hail, thou hope of our dear land,
All hail, thou hope of our dear land.

or the more popular: U.P. Naming Mahal:

U.P. naming mahal, pamantasang hirang
Ang tinig namin, sana’y inyong dinggin
Malayong lupain, amin mang marating
Di rin magbabago ang damdamin
Di rin magbabago ang damdamin.
Luntian at pula, Sagisag magpakailanman
Ating pagdiwang,  bulwagan ng dangal
Humayo’t itanghal, giting at tapang
Mabuhay ang pag-asa ng bayan
Mabuhay ang pag-asa ng bayan.

Do you also feel that UP is part of what you are today?  What is your UP story?

If you missed out some updates of the UP Centennial, here are some sites which may keep you on board.  Let’s celebrate UP @ 100!

History of UP: http://www.slideshare.net/radiantview/2008-up-centennial-celebration-philippines
Official site of UP Centennial 1908-2008:  http://centennial.up.edu.ph/?page_id=29
UP Alumni News and activities:  http://www.upalumni.ph/index.html

Unlike my past milestone birthdays at 18, 30, and 40 when I wished for, planned minute details and held big parties attended by relatives from different sides and friends from school, work and business – months back, I told my siblings that I will just have a quiet, budget-friendly, and simple 50^th birthday celebration, exclusively for our closest family members, in keeping with tough times. I am glad about this decision for several reasons:

1. I had less stress in choosing a party theme and planning for details about the venue, decors, physical arrangements; menu and food preparation; invitations, (who to assign as) photographer, give-aways and activities;
2. I had no pressure in making a guest list and ensuring that I did not leave anyone out while considering how each guest could have a jovial evening in the company of a diverse gathering of people;
3. I felt at peace with myself after hearing mass alone and attending my first day of classes in school without any worry about how I would look in my birthday dress; what accessories to wear and how I could conceal with make-up the haggard look on my face (as I check on party minutiae for a perfect birthday and miss out on much needed rest and sleep);
4. My meager cash remained untouched at the end of the day – I even got my age matched with cash gifts and tokens;
5. My family had fun, memorable and meaningful bonding moments focused on me (without feeling obliged to entertain guests as they did during my past birthdays).

A mom in wonderland, a mom in one red land

My two kids (Aon and Aei), my siblings (Annie, Arlene and Arthur), my mom and the rest of the family pooled their time, effort, resources and (yes) acting talents to produce a truly once-in-a-lifetime 50^th birthday celebration for me. My mom told me not to prepare anything since my siblings agreed to treat me to dinner in a Korean restaurant in Makati when all family members shall have arrived from school and work. I wondered why Korean (since I prefer Chinese and Japanese) and why that restaurant (it was in Makati and was a hassle to reach on a Friday because of the traffic along the way).

I also wondered why Ariel (my husband) stalled our trip to Makati till after 7 p.m. although he was back home from work unusually early. He told me that my mom, my siblings and their children would meet at my sister Annie’s home and carpool to Makati to save gas. Upon reaching Annie’s home, my hunch (about a secret party) was reinforced when my brother-in-law opened their home’s gate for Ariel to bring in the car; this is the first time Ariel brought the car inside since it was easier for him to park by the roadside.

I noticed Annie’s home and garden dark and seemingly uninhabited as a meeting place; it is usually well-lit and welcoming for our family events. As I stepped out of the car and walked towards her house, I heard the piano play “Happy Birthday” as my family members one by one left their hiding places to welcome and greet me while my daughter Aleli and my niece Kashka showered me with rose petals.

When the lights went on, I looked around and saw everyone in red (my favorite color), all tables and corners filled with red rose arrangements and a big banner (done by Aaron) flashing the words: Alice @ 50 – still growing, still glowing.

These photos capture the love, the warmth and the passion of my 50^th birthday in my one red (wonder) land.

What a coincidence that tonight another image of a good shepherd flashes in front of me, but this time, in a different context – in the 2006 espionage drama “The Good Shepherd” starring Matt Damon, Angelina Jolie and Alec Baldwin (directed by Robert de Niro). The movie recounts the life of Edward Wilson (portrayed by Matt Damon) who starts out as an idealistic Yale student recruited to join the secret society called Skill and Bones (an elite brotherhood for future world leaders) then pursuing a career in intelligence, serving as spy for the Office of Strategic Services of OSS during World War II and eventually, becoming one of the covert founders of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA).

I think the movie very much resembles the classic film “Godfather II” where Michael Corleone just like Edward Wilson destroys his family (ironically) to save it.

The lengthy (2 1/2-hour) movie shows Edward’s idealism as the “good shepherd”, committed and dedicated to his job of saving his “sheep”, his country, America – at the very high price of sacrificing his ideals and his family.

I can not empathize with Edward in the film though I am nationalistic, idealistic and committed to any job I am assigned to ( and even have had a chance to work as “spy” as the S2 or Intelligence Officer, for UST high school’s Women’s Auxiliary Service in the 70s, hahaha!). Since I’ve become a mom, my foremost commitment has been the welfare and happiness of my children – all other roles being only secondary pursuits for me now.

1. My first school – St. Domitilla’s School, now St. Bridget’s School, where I studied from Kindergarten through Grade 6. The school was a short 5-minute leisurely walk from our home. St. Bridget’s was inside The Good Shepherd convent which then spanned the whole block from Batino Street to Katipunan Avenue. During those days, The Good Shepherd convent was home to several German sisters who run St. Bridget’s with the orientation of the Sisters of the Good Shepherd founded by St. Mary Euphrasia Pelletier who believed that “one person is of more value than a world” – the same value that Jesus the Good Shepherd attaches to His sheep. The Good Shepherd convent compound was then some sort of a natural sanctuary with huge trees, big patches of zinnia and other flowering plants, and home to butterflies, dragonflies, grasshoppers, and chirping birds. It was also place where one could savor the aroma of freshly-baked chocolate cookies made by the nuns to support their evangelical and socio-civic activities. This natural aura is now gone. One can barely see the diminutive convent which has given way to development – the Light Railway Transit (LRT) plying Santolan to Recto.

2. Strawberry and ube jam, crinkles and sweets made by the sisters of The Good Shepherd in Baguio (near Mines View Park) which we never fail to visit when we go up to Baguio. Buying the sisters’ produce guarantees us the best sweets to bring home for “pasalubong” and gives us a nice feeling that buying the jams at a premium over market prices is worth it since we help send some Cordillera youth to school through our purchase.

3. A former officemate, an engineer, who has given himself the role of being a good shepherd to his flock in his church community. He has always chosen to retain his corporate rank (than be promoted) while all his peers and subordinates have already gone up the corporate hierarchy and left him behind. He has traded off job promotions for low profile work to be able to prioritize caring for and tending of his so-called “sheep” or followers in his religious group.

4. A school teacher committed in molding the minds of his/her students. I vividly remember an instance when my kids’ toddler-school teacher really looked liked a shepherd trying to keep all her naughty and curious students from running away, wandering and getting lost at the Parks and Wildlife Park during a field trip in class.

Today, the parable of The Good Shepherd brought me an added realization that moms (in a sense) are also “good shepherds”: lovingly caring for their children every day (as shepherd’s care for their sheep), watching and guiding them so they will not go astray and unconditionally accepting them back when they get lost and return to the family’s fold.

I still haven’t dreamt nor imagined being a grandma in 3 years since (I am glad) my two 20+ year old kids have remained unattached and don’t seem to be really looking for steadies yet. My boy grins and says “di ko kaya; magastos ‘yon (I can’t afford a girl yet; it’s expensive to have one).” My girl smirks “pang aksaya lang sa oras at maraming bawal, ayoko pa; bata pa naman ako (I am still young. I don’t want to waste my time and lose my freedom to do as I please yet).” Perhaps they’d choose to settle down even later than I did at 29.

No matter how long it would take for me to be a grandma, I better learn now so I have been closely watching how my mom does it with her “seven dwarves” (a collective term she uses for her seven grandkids) that all of them sees her as their lovely Snow White and really loves her so much. We sometimes envy the love she had unconditionally poured on her grandkids that my siblings and I would sometimes protest and tell mommy: That’s unfair! you never gave us that thing, that privilege or that much time when we were their ages.

My mom has her own ways with her seven grandkids that unanimously, she is their sweetest, most generous and most wonderful grandma in the whole wide wild world. Here’s what she does.

1. Takes pride in her grandchildren’s accomplishments and is always present (with her presents) in their rites of passage and milestone events. She maintained a “Perfect Attendance” during her grandchildren’s pre-school/elementary/high school graduations, First Communion, birthdays, school plays, field days and awarding ceremonies. Oftentimes, she’s even more excited than us (parents) as she awaits the event, thinks about what to wear and what appropriate gift to give to her grandkids.

2. Believes that her grandchildren are the best. She shows off — photo copies of their report cards (if they get high marks), news clippings featuring an interview or photo of a grandson, magazine articles by her grand daughter and scribbled greeting cards she gets on special days.

3 . Always carries pictures of her grandchildren with her. I wonder if she carried our photos in her wallet when we were kids.

4. Adapts with changing times. She has learned to accept that life is not a rerun and that raising children now is much different than when she was a young mom. She is a cool and fashionista granny. She isn’t like other older people who sticked to their old-fashioned ways. My mom appreciates changes: going to the pediatrician instead of the “manghihilot or albularyo (herbal doctor)”; using computers over traditional media like flashcards; giving kids a voice and listening to their views at home than delimiting their speech and expression; allowing kids to try new hairstyles and fashion than insisting that the classic look is better.

5. Takes care of herself and is not a burden to anyone. Even if she has a cold or feels bad, she makes it a point to be present at our family gatherings (even if she’d just have to be an onlooker or isolate herself in a corner, at least she was part of the festivities and joy). When she has body pains and aches, (unlike other grandparents who depend on their children to rush them to the hospital) she goes by herself for diagnosis, healths exams and treatment. When ballroom dancing was popular, she attended and sponsored afternoon dance sessions at home with her fellow senior oldies (65+ up) for relaxation, exercise and fellowship. For the past two years, she has been a fitness buff and goes to Fitness First daily that her strength and stamina for shopping, walking and climbing — has even surpassed that of my youngest sister.

6. Knows her role as a grandma. She is a ready ally, refuge and sponsor of her grandkids but she does not interfere, meddle with nor does things to contradict her children and children-in-laws’ agreed parenting styles, priorities and family values. She makes suggestions and comments but does not insist that she be followed.

7. Loves her grandchildren sooo much and shows it. She is affectionate and kisses, hugs and gives (even my grown-up kids) her own tokens of love whenever she sees them. When we have our “kita-kits (family gathering)”, she sees to it that all of her grandkids and children are not only well fed but that each get a share of a favorite dish she herself cooked for lunch/dinner.

8. Prays for and wishes only for the best for the family and others. Even if we forget to pray for assistance when we are in difficult times or for thanks when a wish is granted, we are sure that someone did — grandma. She remains good even to those who hurt her and turned their backs on her when she needed support since she believes that God rewards the good in His own time.

With the kind of GRANDmothering and modelling that my mom has shown her grandkids, I can almost see that her “seven dwarves” would become “seven small giants” in their own fields someday — having experienced grandma’s best!

To mommy, “mima”, lola — the most wonderful and beautiful grandma in the world, may you live to have more Happy Grandparent’s days to come. We all love you and thank you for everything we are because of you. I hope I can follow your your grandma ways someday.

Aside from giving birth to a child, I think a women’s other big challenge is dealing with one’s in-laws. When we marry, our internal family relationships change, grow up and make room for a new comer. As moms, we’ve all heard and had a mix of pleasant, funny and annoying stories about dealing with our mothers-in-law.

This blog isn’t about how I dealt with my mother-in-law. I’ve long learned to accept things which can’t be changed (others personalities), respected my in-law (to be at peace with my husband) and lived by the sayings: “good fences make good neighbors” (set boundaries); and “distance make the heart grow fonder” (meaning don’t leave with your in-laws, unless absolutely necessary.”) This blog is about my only sister-in-law, Maripol, who has truly been a new “sister” (minus, the “in-law” adjunct) to me and my siblings when he married my brother Arthur and a fourth daughter to my mom.

This is how Maripol lived as a loveable “in-law” to me and my family. She did:

1. Love and accept our family for what we are. When she and my brother started dating and then got married, we were all anxious about how she and her family would welcome Arthur and our family. We did not have a standard family (having been cared for mainly by my mom) nor did we enjoy material abundance as their family did. We were then a family of fledgling professionals struggling to succeed in our own careers. Accepting my brother and choosing to live with my mom in our family’s abode was, for me, a very loving gesture she showed all of us.

2. Spend time to know, listen, and understand us. We value her for the effort she exerted to live with our different values, temperaments and family culture. I remember how sensitive she was and how she helped me during my trying moments in business, assisted with our material needs and cared for my kids when I worked overseas.

3. Keep things in perspective. She easily found her place at home, with my mom, and in our hearts by being patient and considerate just as Arthur easily captured the hearts of his in-laws and even became a favorite son to Maripol’s dad who had 10 other children-in-laws to relate to. She knew that becoming Arthur’s wife meant embracing another mom and three more sisters.

4. Set boundaries and limits (“the fences” in any relationship). When there are family gatherings with conflicting schedules, she either attends to our events first and then leave early to catch up with theirs (her side) or else, requests for a postponement and be present in both. She explicitly informs my mom about values and policies which she (and Arthur) wants to enforce on their kids and at home; hence, preventing arguments and misunderstandings given variations to parenting and home management. I observed that my mom played her role well also by not meddling with the kids, maids and meals nor competing with Maripol as Arthur’s queen; thus, promoting a very harmonious and enviable daughter- and mother-in-law relationship.

5. Respect my mom for her age, wisdom and experience. She fondly calls my mom “Queen Mother”, runs to her for advice and comfort when under stress, shares with mom her accomplishments of the day at her garment factory and brings her out for shopping on special dates.

I pray that my son would someday bring home a fine daughter-in-law just like Maripol as I try my best to reciprocate and live up to the challenge of being a good mom-in-law as mommy has been.

Thank you for being a part of our family Maripol. We all love you. Happy birthday!

It is a timely song for this rainy Monday.

It is one of the very few songs I can bravely sing during videoke times because of my very low-pitched voice.

It is a classic love song which has been my favorite for decades. I heard Karen Carpenter singing it way back in 1970-1971 when I was a freshman in high school and simply liked it and I continued to be fond of the song in its revived version by Paul Williams in the late 70s when I was a newbie at work. Of course, “somebodies” loved me then (my mom, my siblings, my auntie Iniang and my secret ….s)

But, it is NOT MY SONG this time as I begin a new journey (so I have to feel young), as I have to let go of regrets, pains and anxieties and live (in a brand new world) not quit, and as I gradually come to realize my purpose in life (which perfectly fits God’s master plan).

Now, rainy days and Mondays don’t get me down and make me blue!

“Long-term and persistent efforts to achieve do not come from the head; they come from the heart.” – Johnson and Johnson, 1989

I have just finished reading researches on cooperative learning (for my EducPsych report for Prof. Olegario’s class) when my daughter Aei comes home in the verge of tears because of her frustrations with what’s going on in one of her group projects. She felt overwhelmed at the remaining tasks she still needs to do given so little time to pitch in for some group mates not living up to their assigned roles. Multiply this scenario by five for her five other subjects requiring group projects and you can just imagine the stress she has to take (and the adverse spillovers of this stress on me and the rest of the family). She doesn’t verbally complain (like I do) but she becomes wordless, grows grumpy, gives blank stares and cries in front of her computer as she finishes her work till the wee hours of the morning, sometimes waiting for other classmates’ inputs through emails. Often, she wonders why the need to work with group mates which are assigned by her professors rather than to have the freedom to form a work group with her college friends with whom she is more comfortable with.

Good for me, during my time at UP (three decades ago), we were given the choice of working individually or with a partner. I recall having opted to work by myself aside from considering my mom’s prohibition from sleeping in others’ homes and staying out late when working with a group. In doing my undergrad thesis in Econ, while most paired with a friend or an organization mate, I worked solo (with a “silent partner”).

Like mother-like daughter, huh! Yes, since I didn’t know then what I was missing by working alone.

Now, having read much on cooperative learning, I’ve appreciated and explained to Aei why she should learn to live and like group work in class not just because she is forced to since cooperative learning has been proven by thousands of researches to result in higher academic achievement, better problem-solving skills, and improved self-esteem but more so because it enhances interpersonal, leadership, and communication skills, and promotes creativity, greater compassion and patience for others – the skills and values which we as moms wish we could impart to our kids.

Here are some bits and pieces on cooperative learning: a strategy which I will use in class (if ever I formally teach for an nth career) and apply at home — my everyday classroom as a mom-learner-teacher for over 22 years now.

1. What is cooperative learning?

“Cooperative learning is the instructional use of small groups through which students work together to maximize their own and each others’ learning.” (Johnson, Johnson & Holubec, 1994)

Simply put, it is when students in a class are split into small groups after receiving instructions from the teacher. Each member of the group takes on a particular role to fulfill a collective task or assignment. As in a jigsaw, each piece—each student’s part—is essential for the completion of the project or the learning of the entire lesson. This strategy is based on synergy (where the interaction of two or more agents or forces creates a combined effect greater than the sum of their individual effects): people learn better when they learn together. Cooperative learning methods commonly used in the classroom are: learning together, jigsaw, team-games-tournaments, think-pair-share or dyads, brainstorming, graffiti, group discussion and group investigation. We and our children probably have been exposed to these learning methods without really having been told what they are called by educators. See http://www.co-operation.org if you want to read more on cooperative learning.)

In the home scene, this may take the form of moms teaching small kids about values and household chores. For instance, if our goal is to teach our kids to be neat and tidy and help with household chores, we can assign a younger child to just pick up toys and kid stuff strewn all over the house and put it in one big box or basket and then, ask an older child to classify things appropriately on the basis of their use and supposed storage place in the house.

2. What essential elements are needed for cooperative learning to succeed?

a. Clearly perceived positive interdependence. In class, individual student effort is required and indispensable for the group’s success. In the family, a culture of interdependence may be nurtured as family members sincerely enjoy being together, share beliefs and values and work together to solve problems or seize opportunities. Interdependence is an all-for-one and one-for-all attitude rather than a sink-or-swim orientation.

b. Considerable face-to-face interaction. This could be seen from students exchanging information, lessons, materials and resources for mutual benefits. At home, this manifests itself in effective communication between husband and wife, father-son, father-daughter, mother-daughter, mother-son, sibling-sibling and so on. It entails emphatic listening and understanding with one’s heart for needs and feelings which sometimes cannot be expressed in words.

c. Clearly perceived individual accountability and personal responsibility to achieve group goals. The classroom setting would require a test to ensure that individuals contributed their share to the group assignment and that there was no hitchhiking or social loafing involved. There are no tests or grades or rewards at home. Moms and dads have permanent 24/7 lifetime roles to play in their families and they can learn, work and have fun together with their children to attain their family goals.

d. Frequent use of interpersonal and small-group skills. In school and at home, cooperative learning can take place when each one gets to know, trust and respect each other; accept and support one another; resolve conflicts (if any), communicate effectively and forgive others who may have erred along the way and start anew.

e. Frequent and regular group processing of current functioning to clarify and improve the group’s future effectiveness. In group projects, feedback, clarification and refinements of working relationships and behaviors help the group remedy any weaknesses and deficiencies which may affect the group’s performance. In the family, learning together can mean one-to-one special dates between mom-dad and parent-child as well as a family time/hour/night or family council times where the whole family may review their calendar of upcoming events and their budget, discuss issues, teach lessons, make suggestions, come up with group decisions while enjoying each other’s company.

Obviously, ingredients which make cooperative learning a success are the very same elements which help foster effective family culture at home (our classroom for life) and on a still broader sense, the same factors which prepare students/children for family life, the workforce, and a democratic social order. This follows since cooperative behavior stimulates not only the learning of cognitive skills but affective or social skills.

At this point, given a choice among the three ways by which children can learn in school: competitively (in a win-lose battle in class for the highest grades), individualistically (in an independent pursuit of a standard of excellence) and cooperatively (in a group aiming for collective benefits), I would go for cooperative learning, to the extent possible.

My daughter Aei who finds it more efficient to work alone, who is lucky to always have a free rider or an abrasive personality or a loner for a group mate, and who wishes to have her choice members for her team – would just have to realize the need for study partners, adjust and even be thankful to her UP profs for using cooperative learning which teach her not only HOTS (higher order thinking skills) but heart and life skills which she would surely find handy when she graduates, start a family and go through adult life.

Arthur was a high-risk for mommy since it was already her fourth pregnancy, with all of us (three girls) born through Cesarean operations. Finally having a son is a dream come true, an ardent prayer answered for mom and dad!

Arthur was named after King Arthur (remember?) who ruled England and who together with his semi-fictional Knights of the Round Table protected England with his magical sword called Excalibur. The Round Table, in his castle Camelot, was not only a physical table, but the highest Order of Chivalry at the Court of King Arthur with members supposedly from the cream of the British military who followed a strict code of honor and service, as: to never outrage nor murder; to flee treason; to give mercy to those in need; to honor and help ladies, gentlewomen and widows and not to take up battles for love or worldly goods.

Arthur grew up enthroned at home. He was the center of everyone’s attention not only because he was the youngest but because he was our only boy. What a big difference it was for mommy to care for a boy after three girls; she had to get used to hearing bangs, cracks, shouts and shrills as Arthur started crawling, walking, running, climbing, jumping and tumbling all over the house. Daddy was contented — he already had a son to carry on his family’s name. I and my sisters delightfully gave way for Arthur’s his new toys, like: cars, guns, swords, balls, live animals (fishes, chickens, pigeons, cats, a turkey), spiders and bugs.

Perhaps because he grew up in an all-girls’ home, Arthur developed a boyish charm uniquely his own which till now makes relating with him as a son, a brother, a husband, a dad, a classmate, friend and business associate – light, pleasant and easy. His charisma made him a perfect fit as a marketing partner for our youngest sister Arlene’s export firm. To date, Arthur remains our baby (a TV interviewer for a business talk show was even shocked when Arlene referred to her assistant as her “baby brother”), our angel brother and our T-tart for sweetheart (as another sis Annie fondly calls him).

Psychologists often describe youngest children as: charming and affectionate, creative, outgoing and fun to be with; attention-seeking, competitive; indulged, dependent, spoiled and self-centered; laid-back, tenacious, absent-minded and flaky – seemingly an over generalization as far as Arthur is.

Far from being the stereotyped youngest child, Arthur has shown a noble character a la King Arthur and his knights. He has helped me out in countless ways: as a protective uncle to my kids, as a great supporter and believer in my pursuits and as a cheerleader in my struggle for business recovery.

Cheers and long live my King brother!

It was seventeen years ago (4 August 1990) since dad died. And, we have successfully moved on as a closely knit, happy, and loving family together — through good and tough times. I am sure dad is proud to have left a part of himself in us just as we have now come to realize that the Lord gave him to us as our dad for a special reason according to His masterplan.

Here’s part 2 of my notes on sibling rivalry. I should have written this sooner.

Sibling rivalry is normal for all families. It may even have benefits in the long-run since it teaches our children two basic lessons in life which they need to apply in their social interactions as they become adults: first, that life is full of conflicts and they have to be resolved; and second, that life is full of inequities and the world is not fair.

As our children fight with each other, with our guidance, they learn conflict resolution skills which will enable them to effectively deal with their peers, friends and future spouses. Sibling rivalry also helps our children accept the reality that there will always be someone greater (and lesser), smarter, richer, brighter than them since each one is unique and born to have his own place in the world.

Here’s what we can do as parents to prevent or minimize sibling rivalry:

Prepare for the coming of a new sibling:

1. Even before a new baby is born, begin early to include older children in preparing for the new baby (by giving them a chance to help set up nursery, shop for baby stuff, listen to baby’s heartbeat) and to convince older children about how important they are in caring for their new baby brother or sister.

2. Make an older child feel important. You may involve older children in the care of an infant under close adult supervision. For example, let a toddler take used diapers to a waste pail while praising her for being big and no longer needing diapers or ask him/her for suggestions on how to stop the baby from crying, etc.

3. Praise your older children (especially toddlers) often when visitors come to visit and play with the baby. Giving an older child/toddler an inexpensive present whenever the baby recieves one would make dethronement for the older sibling more manageable.

4. Move a toddler to a new bed or room in advance, so the change is not associated with the new baby or rejection may result.

5. Give the older child time to get used to a new nanny who will look after him/her while mom is away at the hospital or while she needs full time care of her newborn.

Be their coach, not their rescuer nor judge.

1. Let children work out their fights by themselves. Don’t get involved when you see siblings fighting unless there is a risk of physical harm. When parents jump into sibling spats, they often protect one child (usually the younger sibling) against the other (usually the older one). This escalates the conflict because the older child resents the younger, and the younger feels that he can get away with more since the parent is on his side. If we always get involved, they may think that we are always around to rescue them than allow them to resolve their fights amicably. As a rescuer, we make one child feel protected unduly while the other saved from his misdoings – further aggravating resentment between siblings.

2. Stop dangerous/violent fights immediately by separating the children. When they have calmed down, talk about what happened and make it very clear that no violence is ever allowed. Show them alternatives to fighting like walking away, negotiating or compromising.

3 Coach children by giving them reminders when a fight is about to start or tools on how to compromise when they can’t work things out. Make sure the compromise is reasonable and reached without bullying or coercion. While many people believe children should never witness their parents fighting, a healthy disagreement between adults can teach children not only how to resolve the conflict but also how to express their feelings, treat others with respect and manage anger without shouting, hair-pulling, biting or violence.

4. Do not investigate on who started the fight since both are usually at fault. Attempting to find out who the aggressor is may make things worse. Hold children equally responsible for a fight. Ask them to listen to each other’s side.

5. Model to them how they could be menders and not breakers of relationships so that they could creatively handle conflicts and balance their feelings. If it is obvious who the aggressor and victim are, give attention to the victim and consequences to the aggressor. Encourage win-win negotiations where each side gains something.

6. Do not be constantly angry at your kids; else, they will also be angry at each other. Anger feeds on itself. Learn to manage your anger.

7. Be sensitive for a child who avoids conflict by nature or one who is always the good one or who always gives in. It might make him a prey to be exploited while the other abuses his sibling’s good nature. Both should mutually benefit from a compromise.

8. When a fight is over. Use positive reinforcement. When you see good behavior or cooperation in your children, praise them or give them rewards, stickers, a warm hug. However, if a child misbehaves, give age-appropriate punishments as withholding game privileges or grounding him from watching TV.

Set ground rules for children to follow.

Tell children exactly what is expected of them to get along (for example, no hitting, or name calling). For teenagers, parents may write out and post rules.

Be there for each child.

1. Spend some one-on-one time with each kid on a regular basis, at least a few minutes daily. You’d be surprised how. It’s amazing how much even just 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time can mean to your child.

2. When you are alone with each child, ask them what they like most and least about each brother and sister. This will help you keep tabs on their relationships and prevent fights from brewing.

3. Listen to how your children feel about what’s going on in the family. They may not be so demanding if they know you care about how they feel.

Don’t compare children; treat each child uniquely (not necessarily equally).

1. Treat each child uniquely according to his/her needs and temperament. Help him/her discover and develop unique talents and overcome weaknesses. Express to children that they are uniquely loved like: “You and Aaron are very different and I love that about you. You’re you and he’s Aaron, and you’re both special to me. I like you for wanting to do everything on your own just as much as I like Aaron for being focused on what he wants to do.”

2. Don’t bring up good and bad things about one child to the other. Give compliments directly to the affected child by describing how you feel “I’m so happy to see your high grades” and call for action or better behavior (without compelling, ordering or commanding) “I need you to study your lessons better next time.”

3. Never show preference or favoritism (though it’s normal to have some liking or preference) — it creates more rivalry among siblings. If we lavish our favorite with praises and nice things while ignoring our less-favored child, a child’s suspicions that he/she is/is not the favorite. He would act accordingly.

4. Do not over-identify with one (or more) child and to grant that child’s every wish. This makes it difficult for the child to outgrow his initial self-centered stage and also prevent the development of his/her cooperative skills.

5. Avoid labeling children or forcing them into roles, like if one is always quiet and shy, do not acknowledge it in front of them or the child will acquire that label. Or if one is always clumsy ignore it so you don’t reinforce that tendency.

6. Explain to your children why a brother/sister needs a disproportionate amount of your time, attention and resources as when a child is ill. You may even get them involved in helping their sick sibling.

Have special family meetings to bond with each other.

1. Family meetings allow family members to make family decisions and choices by working together. These meetings aim to recognize that everyone’s opinion makes a difference, help build cooperation and responsibility, and tend to reduce the likelihood of anger and rebellion.

2. Listen to grievances aired during family times.

This list is not all-encompassing. As moms, feel free to make up your own parenting strategies for resolving sibling rivalry. You know your children more than anyone else on earth.

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