on being a Good In-law
Aside from giving birth to a child, I think a women’s other big challenge is dealing with one’s in-laws. When we marry, our internal family relationships change, grow up and make room for a new comer. As moms, we’ve all heard and had a mix of pleasant, funny and annoying stories about dealing with our mothers-in-law.
This blog isn’t about how I dealt with my mother-in-law. I’ve long learned to accept things which can’t be changed (others personalities), respected my in-law (to be at peace with my husband) and lived by the sayings: “good fences make good neighbors” (set boundaries); and “distance make the heart grow fonder” (meaning don’t leave with your in-laws, unless absolutely necessary.”) This blog is about my only sister-in-law, Maripol, who has truly been a new “sister” (minus, the “in-law” adjunct) to me and my siblings when he married my brother Arthur and a fourth daughter to my mom.
This is how Maripol lived as a loveable “in-law” to me and my family. She did:
1. Love and accept our family for what we are. When she and my brother started dating and then got married, we were all anxious about how she and her family would welcome Arthur and our family. We did not have a standard family (having been cared for mainly by my mom) nor did we enjoy material abundance as their family did. We were then a family of fledgling professionals struggling to succeed in our own careers. Accepting my brother and choosing to live with my mom in our family’s abode was, for me, a very loving gesture she showed all of us.
2. Spend time to know, listen, and understand us. We value her for the effort she exerted to live with our different values, temperaments and family culture. I remember how sensitive she was and how she helped me during my trying moments in business, assisted with our material needs and cared for my kids when I worked overseas.
3. Keep things in perspective. She easily found her place at home, with my mom, and in our hearts by being patient and considerate just as Arthur easily captured the hearts of his in-laws and even became a favorite son to Maripol’s dad who had 10 other children-in-laws to relate to. She knew that becoming Arthur’s wife meant embracing another mom and three more sisters.
4. Set boundaries and limits (“the fences” in any relationship). When there are family gatherings with conflicting schedules, she either attends to our events first and then leave early to catch up with theirs (her side) or else, requests for a postponement and be present in both. She explicitly informs my mom about values and policies which she (and Arthur) wants to enforce on their kids and at home; hence, preventing arguments and misunderstandings given variations to parenting and home management. I observed that my mom played her role well also by not meddling with the kids, maids and meals nor competing with Maripol as Arthur’s queen; thus, promoting a very harmonious and enviable daughter- and mother-in-law relationship.
5. Respect my mom for her age, wisdom and experience. She fondly calls my mom “Queen Mother”, runs to her for advice and comfort when under stress, shares with mom her accomplishments of the day at her garment factory and brings her out for shopping on special dates.
I pray that my son would someday bring home a fine daughter-in-law just like Maripol as I try my best to reciprocate and live up to the challenge of being a good mom-in-law as mommy has been.
Thank you for being a part of our family Maripol. We all love you. Happy birthday!